I was recently in a discussion about the prevalence and persistence of dysfunction in families. We are saddened to see trends like anger, violence, poor messaging, destructive legacies, addictions, anxiety, etc. in so many families. We recognize that there are consequences to these issues that cause grief, loss, struggles and trans-generational patterns that get passed through family histories. As we react and attempt to regulate those dysfunctions, we find that they often are embedded in our behavior, perspectives and overall approaches to life.
Even though there are difficult consequences to these patterns, they seem to be quite stubborn and difficult to change in some families and individuals. In many cases, we don’t appreciate or even know how powerful and controlling these patterns are in our lives. They continue to manifest themselves and it feels like they will not or cannot change. In fact, some of us believe that they cannot change because of how strong they are within our family and personal legacies.
We know that children adopt family messages during their childhood and adolescence. They become hard-wired into their memories during their brain development. They formulate their core beliefs and values based on those family patterns and to them it becomes a normal part of their understanding about how life should be. They become embedded and sometimes that loyalty to these beliefs is extremely strong.
What I am attempting to describe is that these values are normalized. Even though they may be dysfunctional and damaging this normalization of dysfunction overrides the consequences and becomes a core belief that is deeply planted in their neurology and sometimes results in habitual behavior. It is not seen as abnormal at all but part of predictable expectations that shape outlooks on life and approaches to relationships. Because it has been such a significant part of brain wiring at an early age, the need to change it is not seen as necessary or even desirable. It is a sense of “It’s just the way life is” type of value system.
I remember a time when we here at Lakeside had just published a book on healthy parenting and were at a conference. A set of parents came up to us with a baby in a stroller and were interested in our book. We began a discussion about the contents and their mother came joined us. They immediately put the book down and walked away. They knew that to introduce new parenting ideas would be disloyal to their mom and perhaps her messaging was strong in her own parenting style. It is this type of loyalty that can result in repeating the same family patterns that may be healthy or may be dysfunctional. The point is that we tend to be very loyal to our parents no matter what their values might be.
It takes some time and work with a trusted and skilled counselor to identify how strong this normalization may be. Even to become aware and have that “aha” moment can be challenging to recognize. Changing our mental models that are wired into us can be difficult. It takes time, a safe process, a skilled counselor, and a willing individual to work through the legacies. They need to understand that it might seem that they are becoming disloyal to some of these destructive tendences for the sake of their emotional and relational health. That can be a bit risky in families but if processed through can break the patterns of dysfunction. Understanding the depths of these core beliefs can help us make some changes that give us a new lens and approach to life that can be free of dysfunction and establish new patterns of life, healthy and hopeful.
Gerry Vassar
President/CEO
